Sunday, October 27, 2013

My Personal Revelation Week 9 Day 63

This post is going to be very personal, but I hope it can help someone else find their own personal path.  If you don't want to hear about my religious/personal experience, you can skip down to the meals I ate for today.  

I started going to a Christian Church every Saturday evening, and last night was our 4th weekend in a row.  I did not grow up going to church, and actually grew up not believing in God.  But that is another story, for another day.  

This was the 4th week of a 7 week program where we learn how to allow God to give us a breakthrough in our lives.  The first week, we each wrote on a piece of paper what we need God's help with, and they were hung on the walls for all to see (they are anonymous).  Every week the prayer group meets in that room and prays on all those pieces of paper.  And each week, the sermon teaches us another step to allow God into our lives and trust that he can help us, when the time is right.  

So I know you are asking, what did I write on my paper.  Well, my own husband doesn't even know what I wrote.  But I think I will feel good telling somebody, even if you are a stranger.   

I NEED A BREAKTHRU TO KNOW THAT I AM GOOD ENOUGH.

There, I said typed it.  

You see, my entire life, I always thought I wasn't god enough.  I wasn't good enough to have a nice caring mom.  I wasn't good enough to be the pretty one.  I wasn't good enough to have a lot of friends.  I wasn't good enough to get a good husband.  I wasn't good enough for God to love me (which led me to not believe in him).  I have gone my entire life thinking I wasn't good enough.

Then last night happened.  Last night's sermon was about taking responsibility. The pastor told the story of Joseph, and how his family failed him, his co-workers failed him, and last of all, his friends failed him.  And yet he kept on believing, and being true to his beliefs.  We were taught 2 major things last night:

1.  We should not be controlled by what others say and do
2.  We cannot control what others do and say

Wow!  At that moment, I had tears streaming down my face.  The pastor looked at me a few times and I could tell he noticed.  I felt embarrassed  and at the same time wished I could sit with him and explain.  Get it off my chest. I finally figured out what I have been doing my whole life.  

I have been allowing what others think of me, control me. 

- If somebody doesn't like me, I am a bad person.  

- My own mother said mean things to me, and called me mean names, so I must not be a nice or good person.

- My so called "friends" would be mean to me, and yet all I wanted to do was be their friend.  At the same time I feared them not being my friend, because of all the meaner things they would say and do to me if I wasn't.  How said is that?  No wonder I have a hard time having friends.

- My parents almost splitting up when I was 12, and again for good when I was 21 made me think I could never trust a man.  He will just leave.  I used to pray to God that my mom be taken away from me, and I can just live with my dad.  She was not a good person and I knew my dad was unhappy as we all were.  And growing up thinking you are a horrible person, I just knew that any man I want to be with will also want to leave me.  Why would any decent man want to be with me?  

- My sister never wants to hang out with me, and it just angers me.  When we are together, we have the time of our life.  But its like pulling teeth to get her to that point where we are hanging out together.  She also lives 10 minutes down the road from me.  


Does anybody else see the revelation I have seen?  I have let everyone else not only control me as a child, but also as an adult.  To this day, those patterns continue.  Now that I can recognize what I am doing, I can take action to stop. I am going to try and recognize that control as soon as it is happening, and stop it in its tracks.   

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B:  Leftover Country Ribs and a couple florets of cheddar Cauliflower (the orange/yellow kind)

L:  A serving of mixed nuts with Dark Chocolate (4 pieces)

D:  Homemade meatballs with alfredo sauce and a few florets of green and cheddar (orange) cauliflower with butter.