Monday, March 7, 2016

Lowest Point in my Life - Little India Singapore

As I gather my things for another haul across the world for business meetings, I can't help but remember the lowest point in my life, just a few short months ago.  As you will see from the below, I hit rock bottom, on the other side of the world, in a town that spoke no English. 

I am forever grateful for that moment, as it propelled me into doing something more positive for myself.  I captured the moment, so that when I am feeling down, I can remember how far I have come. 

Below was originally written on Sunday, December 6, 2015 while I was in Singapore (Little India) hotel...

"I am writing this out of necessity.  I want to forever remember this moment, now called "The Lowest Point in My Life". 

Shortly before coming to Singapore, I quickly realized that I am only a few pounds shy of my highest weight, and therefore would not have an easy trip.  The last time I weighed this much was in 2011 when I travelled to Thailand.  I barely fit in the airplane seat, could hardly stand the excessive walking, all resulting in excessive sweating [especially compared to my teammates], and chaffing in unexpected areas.  That trip was wonderful and painful at the same time. 

After that initial trip to Thailand, I lost 45 pounds and travelled two more times to Thailand and once to Israel.  Walking around and sitting on the place were much more tolerable during those trips.

Fast forward to just a week ago, when I realized I weighed much more and did not expect an easy trip.  I believe my stomach is much larger since the 2011 Thailand trip, due to excessive consumption of sugar, and high levels of stress (key word = cortisol).

I left for Singapore on 27 November (day after Thanksgiving).  The flight was mildly uncomfortable, especially when I had to get in and out of my seat.  I'm way too large for the seats, especially when trying to get in and out.

Upon landing here, it was very apparent how uncomftable the heat and humidity would feel.  By the time I sat in the taxi, I was sweating and ready for a cold shower.  Keep in mind, the sun asn't even out, and its 1:30am. 

The first full day of our trip (Sunday), we spent walking around and sightseeing.  We walked all around, but due to the heat and our jet lag, we settled on a taxi to return to the hotel.  The next three days were mostly meetings with some evening walking and sweating.

The next four days (to include today), have consisted of a ridiculous amount of walking and sightseeing.  I do not know the number of miles walked each day [turns out to be more than 10], but I would say somewhere between five and seven miles a day.  If you are reading this, I know you are thinking that is not much, so let me put this in perspective.  Singapore is about 90 degrees F with 95% humidity, and I'm lugging an extra 100 pounds around, not to forget my book bag.  Within 10 minutes of being outside, I am sweating, and I do not sweat easily. 

While walking through the Marina Bay Sands Hotel (the host of this year's Para Olympics), I noticed all the competitors in their wheelchairs and uniforms.  All of them were smiling and laughing.  I couldn't help to compare myself to them.  We both have a type of disability, except mine is chosen, or self-inflicted.  They appear much happier than I ever feel.  They are all strong, while I am weak.  They are literally doing the best they possibly can, with what they have.  I am doing the worst I possibly could.  I could not help but wonder.  Do they think I am wasting a good functioning body?  Here I am with a body capable of doing whatever I want, and I have chosen to treat it so badly that it can barely function.  It is apparent to me that I am more disabled mentally than they are physically.  How sad is that?

That brings me to the point of this writing, at 2:26pm, laying in my cool air conditioned hotel room.  The past few days have been physically miserable.  The skin of my upper/inner thighs is so raw from chaffing, it is purpose colored and feels like deep bleeding wounds with every step I take.  My entire body from shoulders to the bottom of my feet are sore, and even feels bruised in some spots. 

I am embarrassed, depressed, and extremely saddened.  I have never wanted a different body more than I do right now.  My colleague is 55 years old, 21 years older than me, and can do circles around me!  We both have cubicle jobs, so there really is no excuse for me.  She is out sightseeing while I am stuck in my hotel room, grieving over what I wish I had.

As I walk the streets of Singapore (and Thailand), I see the people looking at me as if I am some type of freak. 

So as you can see, I have found my "rock bottom".  I now have to chose my direction - either below the rocks, or high above them.  I cannot and will not have another bad experience like this again."

I hope the above diary like entry helps you, as I know it will continue to help me in my future. 

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